On Seeking
During a recent VortexHealing® training, we were encouraged to meditate on our identities as seekers. This was a (virtual) room full of people who are deeply spiritual, and have studied many alternative and holistic health modalities. For many of us, pursuing the mysteries of life is not just an avid curiosity, it is our profession. Therefore, it is easy to let the concept of “seeker” become entwined with the idea of who we are, not just something we do.
When I brought my awareness inward and let myself explore how the identity of “seeker” has shaped my life, I had a pretty startling realization. While the act of finding synchronicity and divinity in the world brings me great joy, it is a practice born of deep trauma and abandonment. I seek because I do not feel whole. I chase the universe because I do not believe the universe is a part of me. It all came back — once again — to that hole in myself that I have always tried to fill; the hole that says I am not enough. And there is a part of me, deep inside, who wants to be for my clients the thing I did not get: a source of connection and belonging and a mirror to their own beautiful magic.
The amazing part of this meditation was that it was not followed by any feelings of “wrongness” or self-castigation (a familiar pattern for me). Instead, I had a wry smile on my face and a loving compassion for myself.
I will continue to seek as long as it brings me energy and joy. The world is full of beautiful mysteries! However, I do not need to label myself a “seeker” — it only reinforces a tired old idea that I am fundamentally lacking something crucial to my being. When I looked into the hole I was trying to fill I found a small child who wanted to be loved.
The seeker is also the one who is found.
